On Again, Off Again

Good morning friends. I had originally planned to do a "Then vs Now" blog today and discuss how my food habits have changed. I even started typing it a little bit last night. The thing is, I have some issues going around in my brain that I need to talk out, to type out.

Care to join me?

Yesterday was on again, off again, on again, off again as far as my food focus goes.

ON - I had a cup of coffee, a banana, and some whole grain toast with Smart Balance PB for breakfast

OFF - I had a piece of pizza and quite a few of these little corn dog nugget things for lunch while at a friends house watching kids

ON - I did 20 minutes on said friends Gazelle (think Tony Little saying "You can do it!" but with shorter hair and less muscles)

OFF - I raided said friends Easter candy bowl (more like tub, right Les?) for the remainder of the afternoon...I think I had 5 pieces

ON - I drank my water!

OFF - I had a late, quick dinner of a ham sandwich with a cup of soup...not so bad except I followed it up with 6 Thin Mints and a coffee cup of sugar free ice cream that was left over from Ori's bday party.

ON - I did my resistance band training, stretches, and a few of the easier yoga poses (our favs ma, the sitting pose, the mountain pose, and the children's pose).

Funny thing - all that was in chronological order. So, literally I was on again, off again, on again, off again, on again, off again, on again.

I have been pretty high spirited for quite a few days in a row. Instead of thriving in the moment I tend to get this nagging in the back of my mind. Something telling me not to get to comfy just in case the stuff is about to hit the fan. The stuff hasn't really hit the fan. I just didn't have that great of a day food-wise - actually I didn't have that great of a day food-wise for two days in a row. My mind is now in a bit of a panic.

Just seeing the word "panic" brings up a lot of emotion. I used to have some pretty severe panic attacks. It has been over four years since I had a bad one and it had been almost that long since I even felt one coming on. Recently that old feeling returned.

Last Thursday evening when I was coming home from the grocery store panic began to sink in. I was a little stressed but I didn't think it was that bad. All of a sudden my lips were tingly, like they were falling asleep. That totally freaked me out because I know what normally happens next - hyperventilation and tears. I had Ori with me and I was driving so I think that somehow helped make me keep it under control. I didn't have a full on panic attack. Just the lip thing, a little bit of a racing heart, and super clammy hands. It still sucked though.

Lately, whenever I think about food my mind really does start the panic process. I am having a hard time dealing with handling my food intake. Particularly when thinking about counting calories and tracking nutritional information.

I am an obsessive person and I don't want to be obsessive about my new lifestyle. I just want it to happen, you know. The reason yesterday was on again, off again, is because my new self and my former self were completely at war with one another.

I would screw up, then feel absolutely guilty about it and want to fix it. Then my old self would say "You've already screwed up. Just make a day of it."

So I would again make a bad choice.

And again try to fix it.

And I have now had two different people give me challenge ideas that involve reading the labels. I have been fighting that kicking and screaming.

I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT! (picture me on the floor kicking and screaming like a toddler)

It will take work and time and commitment and I am already working too much and spending too much time doing other things to really want to make it a priority, and committing myself to enough stuff.

I am however, taking the fact that two suggestions came within 24 hours as a sign I need to start.

Man, I just got a little panicky just thinking about it. Totally not being funny at all here. My hands are clammy...

On another note, I have already done my exercise for the day and that makes me feel good. I knew I was going to have to watch a friends children so I got up early and got it out of the way. I don't know how many times I have said I was going to get up early but it never actually happens. Yay me! I am totally back ON!

Back to panicky...

Here goes -

Challenge:

Let's take it a little at a time...

I'm going with Anne's suggestion from yesterday -

Read labels and keep your sugar intake to less than 100 grams per day.

To prove that you have made an effort (and get your name in the drawing), leave a comment and let me know how many grams of sugar are in at least one item you ate today. Seriously folks, I am not one to beg for support but I need comments so I don't feel alone in this.

Here's my breakfast figures -

Coffee with flavored creamer - 15 grams

Oatmeal with 1/4 cup blueberries and 1/4 cup strawberries - 5.5 grams

PS I try hard to respond to comments so be sure to check back on blogs that you left notes on!


*way off track but important to me nonetheless*

I have some friends who have suffered a major loss this week. Kinda makes me feel like my issues aren't that important. It also reminds me that I have been wanting to do a little praise report blog. Since the majority of my readers also read myMySpace blog I guess I'll just do it here.

Hope you don't mind my being off subject for a minute -

The Lord has continued to bless the Castanos financially. If you have followed me from my beginnings on MySpace you know I have a running list of all the times the Lord has provided for us. Here are a few new ones...

• We have wanted a grill for a long time. Finally we had a few dollars to blow and Octavio took my dad with him to help make sure we got something decent. My dad ended up buying it for us and purchasing a filled propane tank too.
• Octavio's aunt and uncle are treating us to two nights in Indianapolis in a few weeks.
• A generous woman from Michigan sent us $250 to help us support Octavio's family in Colombia.
  

If I may, I would like you all to take a minute and think about the extra rebate check some of you all will be getting in a month or so. It was unexpected. It was extra. I challenge you all to think of something (big or small) to do with a part of that check to help out someone else. Could be as simple as giving the person behind you in the grocery store $5 to put towards their bill.
I promise you, it will come back.

OK, OK, off my box...

Don't forget friends, there are three ways you can participate in Healthy Chelle's Challenge Challenge.

• Complete a challenge. Every time you leave me a comment saying you have completed a challenge I will enter your name in the drawing. Limit one comment per blog.
• Send me challenge ideas. Every time you send me a challenge idea I will enter your name in the drawing. NO LIMIT!
• Get a new friend to leave me a comment. Let your friends know about my blog. Anytime someone leaves a comment and says "so-and-so told me to check out your blog" I will enter that so-and-so's name in the drawing.

The bowl is really starting to get full. Don't forget to invite new friends to join us!

PS To Carrie who commented about a soccer league for larger people...shoot me an email if you are interested in a soccer opportunity...